The text below is from another mother who also lost her son to Testicular Cancer and since then has been relentless in creating TC Awareness. I use my pain to expand her voice and TC awareness in memory of our kids!

“Who would have thought that a painless testicular lump could be cancerous and spread throughout the body?? Certainly not us. Not in a million years would we have thought this could happen in our family. Not us, not cancer. Why weren’t there educational materials at the pediatric office? We should have been made aware about the most common cancer in young men ages 15-44 and the importance of monthly self exams?? When detected early, testicular cancer has over a 95% cure rate. Awareness and early detection are key!” Kim Jones

I was not there. I did not have the emotional strenght to let him go but she needed the closure. He is just dust in the wind now.

—-

A friend keeps reminding me we are just star dust. Poetic, if not the only reality.

#testicularcancerawareness

#vilomahmothers

#imissmyson

#claudiajacquesmc

The photo below is of when he was first diagnosed in February 2022.

I was converting academic references to APA in ChatGTP and in my pain decided to ask it the following below. I didn’t expect such a caring answer. Note that I am already doing all that is suggested:

I lost my 34 year old son to testicular cancer metastasized to the brain, meninges and spinal cord on June 10, 2023. I am in pain grieving his loss. Today is 6 months. How can I ago about without feeling so much pain?

ChatGPT’s answer:

I am deeply sorry for your loss. The pain of losing a child is one of the most profound forms of grief a person can experience. It’s natural and valid to feel an intense level of sorrow, especially on significant dates like the six-month anniversary of your son’s passing.

Coping with such a loss is a very personal process and can vary significantly from one person to another. Here are some suggestions that might help you as you navigate through your grief:

Allow Yourself to Grieve: Give yourself permission to feel the full range of emotions that come with grief. There’s no “right” way to feel, and there’s no timeline for when you should be “over it.”

Seek Support: This can come from friends, family, or support groups where you can share your feelings with others who have experienced similar losses. Speaking to a grief counselor or therapist can also be beneficial.

Create a Ritual: Some people find comfort in rituals, such as lighting a candle for their loved one, visiting their resting place, or engaging in an activity that was meaningful to them.

Memorialize Your Son: You might find solace in creating something in memory of your son, such as planting a garden, dedicating a bench in his favorite park, or starting a scholarship in his name.

Write: Expressing your feelings in a journal or writing letters to your son can be a way to process your emotions.

Self-Care: It can be easy to neglect your own needs when you’re grieving. Try to maintain routines that promote your physical and emotional well-being.

Professional Help: If you find that the pain is too much to bear alone, seeking the help of a psychologist or psychiatrist might be necessary. They can provide you with strategies to cope with your loss and support your healing process.

Give It Time: Grief can feel like a wound that won’t heal, but with time, the sharpness of the pain typically lessens. While you will never forget your son, the days should eventually become easier to bear.

Honor His Life: Focus on the love you shared and the time you had, rather than the loss. Celebrating his life and the person he was can be a way to keep his memory alive.

Connect with Others: Sometimes, helping others who are also in pain can bring a sense of purpose and relief from your own grief.

Remember, grief is not a linear process, and it’s common to have ups and downs. It’s okay to seek help and it’s okay to talk about your son and your feelings. Your pain is a testament to your love for him, and it’s important to treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer to someone else in your situation.

The world is in so much pain and grief over the recent losses, I almost feel guilty sharing mine.

I miss this character

#vilomahmothers

#imissmyson

#claudiajacquesmc

#fuckcancer

Actually, the feeling that is new and harder to control is sadness. Joy, happiness and even anger I am very much acquaint with, but not sadness. This deep, sneaky pain in the heart that comes from nowhere and in the most weird places and situations.

Today I was sitting at the dentist reception area waiting to have a root canal treatment when this young mother came in accompanied by her young teen son. They were exchanging cell phone memes and laughing between themselves. Their little loving and fun exchange was so familiar to me!

I too shared that with my boys. And 20 years ago I was there, in the same waiting room, having fun with my teen boys. At this point, the tears started to come down and I could not stop. I was sobbing.

All I managed to do was ask the mother if I could give her something and I gave her a Testicular Cancer Awareness “Touch Yourself” card. The thought of that sweet mother loosing her boy was unbearable to me. Made me sob even harder. I hid in the bathroom after.

You see, I went to the dentist without my psychiatric service dog, Leroy, and I was there sobbing my life away. I’m still so raw! I can’t go out alone. Leroy would have refocus my attention, and taken me outside before I got so raw. I came out of the bathroom.

The receptionists were thinking I was in tears in fear of the root canal treatment but I didn’t bother to correct them. I’m fine with my mental health being off, admitting sadness is a lot harder to confront.

I managed to compose myself. Although while at the dentist chair, with a lot of local anesthesia and drills in mouth I could not stop thinking of the brutality of the dental work I was having. This lead me to remember that my poor son endured brain and body surgeries and all sorts of the most brutal and invasive treatments just to stay with us a little bit longer. As my brain was scanning through my son’s ordeals, I seemed to be making different faces and noises because the dentist asked me several times if I was in pain.

Yes, I was in excruciating pain but not from the treatment but from the thoughts I was having. Again, sad, sad feelings and painful memories. I guess the dentist being around Roger’s age didn’t help either.

After the dentist finished, I shared with him what was going on with me and why the faces and noises. I also gave him some “Touch Yourself” cards. A few minutes later he came back to tell me that he was tearing up and commiserated with me. So there I was sharing sadness with this kind young human. And now, again here, but if I don’t put it out, I feel I will stop breathing.

I may also be arrested for handing out cards to strangers suggesting boys and young men should touch themselves.

https://www.testicularcancerawarenessfoundation.org/

Once he made the decision to go, his passing was fast, peaceful and full of love.

When he was a child, I used to sing to him: “You are my sunshine, my ony sunshine, you make me happy, when skies are gray, you never know dear, how much I love you, please don’t take my sunshine away.”

As the battle with cancer became unbearable for him and for us (family) to see him suffering, and since he was mostly out of consciousness, I changed to song and sang for him ver his last 24 hours:

You are my sunshine, my loving sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray, I know you know dear, how much I love you, it’s OK to go fly away.

My hope singing this version of You Are My Sunshine to him over and over again was to let him know that he could go in love and peaceful.

I never thought or wanted for that day to come, and yet, my brave warrior had to go!