I’m grateful that I got a big goodbye hug from him 48 hours before he departed. I can still feel his warmth!

I’m grateful that he endured so much just to stay with us a little bit longer. 16 months of hell for him but hope for us!

I’m grateful that he was at the best of his life and got out of this earth feeling accomplished, respected and loved. I’m so proud of him!

I’m grateful for the privilege to birth him, raise him, see him grow into an amazing man. He always confronted me to be better!

But how cruel is this life to take away a son? And send a mother to enjoy the coming elder years with a hole in the heart.

I miss my son! No hope, prayer, god, heaven, despite the magical cycle of life, will allow me to enjoy him again in the now. Grieving for a child is an overwhelming reality!

My respect and love to all the mothers and fathers who experienced such loss and continued their journey without loosing joy in their hearts. They know (we know) how bittersweet life can become.

In Portuguese folk culture, “saudade” is a deep emotional state of melancholic longing for a person or thing that is absent. 

Some synonyms of “saudade” include: Sadness, Melancholy, Wistfulness, Nostalgia.”

As a native Portuguese speaker, I can say that the meaning of Saudade is much greater than just longing for a person or thing. We can also long for who we were, a place, a time, a feeling. And, even though Saudade can have a hint of melancholy, sometimes is often a warm fuzzy feeling permeated with love.

Having Saudade of the past and of my dead son, is a given but now I’m experiencing Saudade of a future that promised but won’t happen.

‘Tis a Fearful Thing ‘

Tis a fearful thing to love what death can touch. A fearful thing to love, to hope, to dream, to be – to be, And oh, to lose. A thing for fools, this, And a holy thing, a holy thing to love. For your life has lived in me, your laugh once lifted me, your word was gift to me. To remember this brings painful joy. ‘Tis a human thing, love, a holy thing, to love what death has touched.” ―

Yehuda HaLevi

Como sinto saudade do meu rebento! <3

The pain of not being able to go back and relive the experiences, despite their marks being ingrained in the soul.

Missing is painful! Longing for the past; for the ephemeral present that is neither past nor future. The promise of the future, of the open roads and the potential to run far. Naughty life that makes us live in a timeline: with a straight and hard directional arrow… yet allow us to carry memories in the heart which cause painful nostalgia: saudade!

Time, which does not let us go back even if only to taste the past again. Treacherous time that fills the heart with longing but does not let it be now.

Clube de Esquina: Milton Nascimento & Lo Borges

O tempo é amigo e inimigo. Sua linearidade e dependência na nossa memória segmentam a vida.

Sentimos a dor de não poder voltar e reviver as experiências, ainda assim suas marcas estão arraigadas na alma.

Saudade da dor. Saudade do passado; do presente efêmero, que nem é passado ou futuro. Da promessa do futuro, dos caminhos abertos e da distância para correr. Vida safada que nos faz viver na linha do tempo: reta e dura e em só uma direção… mas que carrega lembranças no coração e causa saudade dolosa.

Tempo, que não deixa voltar nem que seja so para sentir o gostinho do passado. Tempo traiçoeiro que invade o coração de saudade no agora mas não deixa viver o passado.