https://beinglilablue.com Wed, 31 Dec 2025 21:39:30 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.9 https://beinglilablue.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/cropped-cj-1-32x32.jpg https://beinglilablue.com 32 32 https://beinglilablue.com/2025/12/31/broken-vase/ Wed, 31 Dec 2025 21:39:29 +0000 https://beinglilablue.com/?p=592 Before TC came into my life, I felt like a thick vase that had been dropped over and over again, yet never broke. When Roger had a pulmonary embolism on February 14, 2022, which revealed that he had metastatic TC, I shattered. With each hospital stay and setback, I felt more cracks forming in me.
In December 2022, the pieces of me began to crumble when we were told that TC had spread to his meninges and spinal cord. After he died on June 10, 2023, not a single piece of me was left standing. Throughout the remainder of 2023 and all of 2024, I tried in vain to glue myself back together, but nothing came close to being even mildly whole.
With the support of my family, a few good friends, ongoing bereavement therapy, and a psychedelic therapy session, 2025 has allowed me to begin gluing some of my small pieces together—enough that I can now hold a little bit of joy inside me. Feeling joy does not ease the pain of not having my baby; on the contrary, it accentuates it, because no joy will ever be complete again. But at least now I can feel some joy.
It has been three holiday seasons without him. I am better, but I am now forever a delicate, shattered vase—slowly being glued together, never whole again. And that is OK. I just need to be kind to myself and accept my new limits.
I wish you all a saner and kinder 2026, with glimpses of joy.

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