Being abused or molested as a child, specially by loved ones, teach us not to set boundaries, or even worst, not to observe and respect our boundaries. The ripple effect is that one can go through life feeling rapped and disrespected and yet not capable of even recognizing how to take power. Resentment, anger, pain, fear grow out of being powerless which feed into guilt, shame and repeating learning behaviors that make one even more powerless and clueless on how to set boundaries.
How to break such paradigm? A deep look inside? What about the pain, shame, fear that accompanies any traumatic memory? How to distinguish the then from the now? Our pain versus the reality of the ones around us? How not to unlock the deep irate anger that accompanies the process of realizing the memories?
A therapist gave me a breathing exercise that involved a bed and a tennis racket. The goal was to breath in and then hammer the tennis racket on a bed breathing out the air by yelling the word “NO”.
It took me several months to be able to properly perform the exercise. I could not let the anger or pain of the anger go. Initially hitting the bed with the tennis racket felt artificial, or my breath would not synchronize with the action. But after weeks of trying one day I finally did release the “NO”.
This was two decades ago. I can still feel the hurt of that moment where my pain was popped open and my soul felt raw and exposed but on that day, the healing process started.