Today was rough. It is strange how little control of my feelings I have. I know I was never good at controlling them but now it’s much worst.
Actually, the feeling that is new and harder to control is sadness. Joy, happiness and even anger I am very much acquaint with, but not sadness. This deep, sneaky pain in the heart that comes from nowhere and in the most weird places and situations.
Today I was sitting at the dentist reception area waiting to have a root canal treatment when this young mother came in accompanied by her young teen son. They were exchanging cell phone memes and laughing between themselves. Their little loving and fun exchange was so familiar to me!
I too shared that with my boys. And 20 years ago I was there, in the same waiting room, having fun with my teen boys. At this point, the tears started to come down and I could not stop. I was sobbing.
All I managed to do was ask the mother if I could give her something and I gave her a Testicular Cancer Awareness “Touch Yourself” card. The thought of that sweet mother loosing her boy was unbearable to me. Made me sob even harder. I hid in the bathroom after.
You see, I went to the dentist without my psychiatric service dog, Leroy, and I was there sobbing my life away. I’m still so raw! I can’t go out alone. Leroy would have refocus my attention, and taken me outside before I got so raw. I came out of the bathroom.
The receptionists were thinking I was in tears in fear of the root canal treatment but I didn’t bother to correct them. I’m fine with my mental health being off, admitting sadness is a lot harder to confront.
I managed to compose myself. Although while at the dentist chair, with a lot of local anesthesia and drills in mouth I could not stop thinking of the brutality of the dental work I was having. This lead me to remember that my poor son endured brain and body surgeries and all sorts of the most brutal and invasive treatments just to stay with us a little bit longer. As my brain was scanning through my son’s ordeals, I seemed to be making different faces and noises because the dentist asked me several times if I was in pain.
Yes, I was in excruciating pain but not from the treatment but from the thoughts I was having. Again, sad, sad feelings and painful memories. I guess the dentist being around Roger’s age didn’t help either.
After the dentist finished, I shared with him what was going on with me and why the faces and noises. I also gave him some “Touch Yourself” cards. A few minutes later he came back to tell me that he was tearing up and commiserated with me. So there I was sharing sadness with this kind young human. And now, again here, but if I don’t put it out, I feel I will stop breathing.
I may also be arrested for handing out cards to strangers suggesting boys and young men should touch themselves.
